Toddler tantrums: why they happen and how to get through them
A tantrum is not a parenting failure. It is a small person with big feelings and not yet enough words to carry them.
Updated October 13, 2026 · sources checked October 13, 2026
In short
Tantrums are a normal part of development. The NHS says they usually start around 18 months, and the AAP says they peak between 1 and 3 years; by 4 they are far less common. Head off hunger and tiredness, offer small choices, stay calm during the storm, do not give in, and praise the behaviour you want to see.
Why toddlers have tantrums
The AAP calls tantrums a normal part of development. The NHS explains the main driver: toddlers want to express themselves but cannot yet, and the frustration comes out as a tantrum. As language grows, tantrums usually shrink.
| Age | What to expect | Source |
|---|---|---|
| Around 18 months | tantrums usually start; hitting and biting are common too | NHS |
| 1 to 3 years | the peak tantrum years | AAP |
| After 3 | they tend to improve, without disappearing completely | AAP |
| By 4 | far less common | NHS |
The usual triggers
- Hunger and tiredness: the AAP and the NHS both put these first. Snacks in the bag and protected naps prevent a surprising number of meltdowns. See toddler sleep.
- Frustration: a tower that falls, a shoe that will not go on, words that will not come.
- Jealousy or a need for attention: the NHS notes that a child may need time, attention and love, even when they are not being very lovable.
- Transitions and shops: the NHS points out that tantrums often happen in shops.
Before: prevent what you can
- Give lots of attention and praise for good behaviour. The AAP calls attention the most powerful discipline tool there is.
- Plan around hunger and sleep. Keep outings short when your toddler is tired.
- Offer small choices ("the red cup or the blue cup?") so your child has some control (AAP).
- Pick your battles and keep your rules consistent (AAP).
- Prepare your child for what is coming: the AAP suggests explaining upcoming activities and how you want them to behave.
- In shops, keep trips short and involve your child: let them help find what you need (NHS).
During: get through the storm
- Stay calm. Shouting back or losing your temper will not end the tantrum (NHS). Breathe, lower your voice, slow down.
- Try a distraction early, at the first signs: "Look, a cat!" said with real surprise can stop a tantrum before it starts (NHS). The AAP suggests redirecting with a new room, a safer toy or a silly song.
- Name the feeling: "You're angry because we have to leave the park." The NHS suggests phrases like this to help your child recognise and name their emotions.
- Wait for it to pass, ignoring the looks around you. At home, you can go into another room for a moment once you are sure your child is safe (NHS).
- Hold firmly if it helps. Some parents find gently holding their child helpful, particularly when the child is more upset than angry (NHS).
- Do not change your mind. Giving in teaches that tantrums work; so does bribing with sweets (NHS).
Step in immediately if your child is in danger, for example near a road, or if they hit, bite or kick. The AAP recommends a zero-tolerance response: move your child away and make clear the behaviour is not allowed.
Hitting, biting and kicking
The NHS reassures that most young children occasionally bite, hit or push, and this does not mean they will grow up aggressive. What it suggests:
- never hit, bite or kick back: it teaches that hurting is acceptable;
- say clearly that it hurts and you will not allow it;
- show your child you love them, not the behaviour, with lots of cuddles and praise when things go well;
- let feelings out another way: running and shouting in a park, saying "I know you're feeling angry about…".
After: reconnect
Once your child is calm, a hug and a fresh start go a long way. Do not lecture; toddlers learn from what you do more than from long explanations. If you lost your temper, the AAP suggests apologising once you have cooled down and explaining how you will handle it next time: it models how to repair a mistake.
Time-outs, used well
The AAP describes a time-out as a tool for when a specific rule is broken: warn first, explain in a few calm words, then remove your child from the situation for a set time, about 1 minute per year of age. The CDC advises responding to wanted behaviour more than punishing unwanted behaviour, and keeping toddler time-outs very brief.
What not to do: the AAP policy statement on discipline (Sege and Siegel, 2018) concludes that spanking, yelling and shaming are minimally effective in the short term, not effective in the long term, and linked to worse behavioural and emotional outcomes. More on what works instead in positive parenting.
Look after yourself too
Tantrums are exhausting. The AAP suggests taking breaks and handing over to another adult when your frustration builds. If you feel close to losing control, make sure your child is safe and give yourself a few minutes.
When to ask for help
Talk to your pediatrician, GP or health visitor if:
- you are seriously concerned about your child's behaviour (NHS) or worried about some of their behaviours (AAP);
- tantrums are frequent and intense well past age 4, when they are usually far less common;
- your child often hurts themselves or others during tantrums;
- you are struggling to cope.
In the UK, the NHS points to Family Lives, whose free helpline is 0808 800 2222.
Questions parents ask
At what age do tantrums stop?
They fade gradually. The AAP says tantrums happen most between 1 and 3 years and tend to improve after 3, and the NHS says that by 4 they are far less common, usually as children get better at talking.
Should I ignore a tantrum?
Often, yes, as long as your child is safe. The AAP lists ignoring unwanted behaviour, while giving plenty of attention to good behaviour, as an effective strategy. Step in at once if there is danger or if your child hits, bites or kicks.
Is a time-out OK for a toddler?
The AAP describes short time-outs as a useful tool, with about 1 minute per year of age as a rule of thumb, and the CDC advises keeping them very brief for toddlers.
Should I give in to stop a public tantrum?
No. The NHS explains that changing your answer to end a tantrum teaches your child that tantrums work. Bribing with sweets has the same effect.
Sources
- AAP HealthyChildren.org — Top tips for surviving tantrums checked October 13, 2026
- NHS — Temper tantrums checked October 13, 2026
- AAP HealthyChildren.org — Disciplining your child checked October 13, 2026
- Sege RD, Siegel BS. Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children. Pediatrics, 2018 (AAP policy statement) checked October 13, 2026
- CDC — Positive parenting tips, toddlers (1-2 years) checked October 13, 2026
Mamavela explains; it does not replace your midwife, doctor or pediatrician, who know your situation. If something worries you, call them. In an emergency, call 911 (US), 999 (UK) or 112.